Monkey Manual

What the monkey needs mostly is something to do and the desire to do it. There are many things to do, so the problem usually is a shortage of desire. There are many ways to fix this.

Take your monkey to a doctor, who will look your monkey over and listen carefully to its complaints. “We can fix him up real good, ma’am, these things have common remedies nowadays. Now, are you on medical insurance?” While there are many good reasons to opt out of medical insurance, it is certainly wiser not to unless you act out of a deep understanding of the medico-legal and financial details involved. “Is the monkey going to be fine now, Doctor?”

Moving his big hands and hairy forearms expressively, “Well, nothing is quite certain when we are dealing with the human body, but patients have generally had very positive results.” You are reassured. You are able to sleep. You don’t hurt anymore, but that was never the concern; you can stop worrying now. Your situation is sub-optimal but your problem is well-understood. You have taken all necessary steps. Indeed you have already surpassed in effectiveness the actions of the vast majority of human beings that are living or ever lived, simply by seeing a doctor.

But still the desire is lacking. What now? You are wiser for having tried to take the easy way out. Too bad it didn’t work out. There are some older remedies that your monkey may respond to:

1. Take your monkey to the beach. It may get inspired. 2. Take your monkey to the museum. It may get interested. 3. Teach your monkey something new. 4. Take your monkey to the library. It may develop a reading habit. 5. Introduce your monkey to someone pretty and funny. Be careful, the monkey may fall in love, with unpredictable results.

In most cases it is just a matter of trying many different things and watching your monkey closely for signs of developing curiosity or passion. If your monkey begins to ask a lot of questions, perhaps to the point where you can no longer answer them, rejoice! and be honest, saying, “I don’t know the answer to this question, but we can try to find it together, and I will do my best to help.” Once your monkey has latched on to something it likes, there are many resources available to develop the interest and although there is still much hard work left, you may be justified in feeling some relief.

But it may be that your monkey is still disinterested, in a shell, fooling around with bullshit, uninspired and dull, not fully at the helm of his own ship. Perhaps your monkey needs a taste of freedom. Give your monkey a ticket to a big city, some cash, a notebook and a camera. Even if it isn’t life-changing, your monkey will certainly have some fun and see some new things. Thrust a new responsibility on your monkey; some monkeys thrive on this. A certain kind of monkey will drift upward or downward to meet your expectations, so make sure you are communicating the right things.

If your monkey is a fighter then you will have to fight it. Your life will not be easy but you will throw the punches and take them too, and your monkey will be the stronger for it.

Make sure you feed your monkey a balanced diet of lentils, meat, vegetables, Shakespeare, the Special Theory of Relativity, Descartes and Bach. In time you will find the care of your monkey a rewarding challenge, and a significant contributor to your own growth as a spiritual being.

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